Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Randomize
