By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
