I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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