I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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