dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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