DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
