yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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