pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
3pm strippers are depressing
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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