guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
