I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
