I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
