i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
