We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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