that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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