pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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