sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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