I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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