My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
