I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
