drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
