Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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