they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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