Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
