Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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