i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
