OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
