I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize