My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
