i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
