These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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