1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
