I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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