In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
