I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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