Umm I'm too high to move.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
