WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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