He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
