I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My penis needs a shock collar
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
