now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
