yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
