Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
