i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
