you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
