I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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