I must be too annoying 4 u.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
