Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
