ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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