I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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