Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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