The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
