her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
