He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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