I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
