i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
