Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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