Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
