Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
