Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Randomize
