Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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