remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
