So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
